Things you Didn’t Know about Donkeys

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The Common Donkey is the only member of the big cat family still at large in the UK today. This is due to their ability to thrive in seaside resorts, in which they have dwelled since the pre-Jurassic period.

Donkeys can carry up to 10x their own bodyweight on their backs. The same ratio as that of their cousins, the ‘tiny donkey’, or ‘ant’. This ability is perfect for carrying back things useful for building nests.

Donkeys-shoutingOn addressing multiple Donkeys

When faced with donkeys, take note that the amount of Donkeys you see in front of you increases by one, for every one donkey present.

e.g. If there is one Donkey in front of you and one more arrives, there would be two Donkeys in front of you. Another would make three.

This calculation works to a maximum of nineteen Donkeys. Once another Donkey is added, their minds merge (*See On Donkey Hive-minds) and they become one Donkey, with twenty independently moving bodies. The Donkey hive-mind is the reason that no one has ever seen more than nineteen Donkeys in one place.

On Donkey Hive-minds

When one (19+1) Donkey(s) is in its hive-mind state, they channel all their energy to be commanded by a Queen Donkey (*See On Queen Donkeys). While there have been anomalies, the Queen Donkey nearly always commands the hive-minded Donkey to carry on acting separately and of their own accord, to which they obey willingly.

On Queen Donkeys

Queen Donkeys are up to four times larger than the Common Donkey. They have grey leathery skin, huge floppy ears, a trunk and some ivory tusks. Sometimes people give Queen Donkeys other names.

Queen Donkeys are an entirely different species the Common Donkey and are not part of the big cat, or even the ant family. Some zoologists have speculated why hive-minded Donkeys bother obeying the Queen Donkeys at all. One theory is that none of them have realised the difference in species yet, due to their close genetic likeness to ants, who also have larger Queens. This would mean that the Common Donkey presumes that the Queen Donkey can only over give birth to another Queen Donkey and vice versa.

Common Donkey: Have you ever thought that the Queen Donkey looks a bit different to us? I mean, we don’t even have tusks. The baby Queen Elephant doesn’t look like us either.

Common (hive-minded) Donkey: Who are you talking to?

Common Donkey: All of you.

Common (hive-minded) Donkey: Oh, okay. No it’s supposed to be like that. Queen Donkeys only give birth to Queen Donkeys.

Common Donkey: Have you ever heard of an Elephant?

Common (hive-minded) Donkey: What?

Common Donkey: Never mind.


This picture shows the spiritual relationship between the donkey and queen donkey

If the Common Donkey were to realise their lack of actual connection to Queen Donkeys, there would probably be all-out war, as the Common Donkey has a lot of hate (*See ‘Things Donkeys hate).

Things Donkeys hate

Apples – The only reason they eat them is to encourage diarrhoea they can spread over seaside resorts to put off human tourists, who constantly and mercilessly threaten this natural habitat.
Humans – For making them eat Apples.

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